pretty in punk

mass confusion

dizzy_doll_parts@yahoo.com — Mon, 13 Aug 2001 16:32:01 GMT

I really don't get myself sometimes. I get so mixed up, an dI just don't even understand what the heck i'm thinking.

I like Andy. Alot. I know that's true. I have a big thing for him, and I know it's not unGodly or anything. Quite the opposite. We're helping each other grow spiritually. We're prayer partners. It's a good relationship.

But then I talked to Kevin the other night, and I don't think I ever didn't like Kevin. I've known Kevin since like Jr. High days. And i've liked him since then too. I just always thought he was too good for me. Then this summer I get back from Venezuela, didn't really tell anyone I was coming back, and was at this party Luke had. Kevin pulled up and walked right up to me and gave me this huge hug. I was like ok??? And he's like fine, don't hug me then. So I said to him, no, that's cool, I just wasn't sure if you even knew who I was, so that caught me by surprise. I told him later I didn't know if he really remembered me at all because I thought he always thought I was a loser. He told me he always thought I was really cool and wondered why we didin't spend more time together. And we've been talking a lot since then.

Kevin's trying to get me to come back to Illinois for Christmas so I can spend time with him, and he wants me to road trip down to Colorado to visit him at college. And he promised he'd visit me when he got out of college. Hmm.

It's all kind of wonder worthy. But i'm just going to wait and see about these things.

As far as Andy, i'm moving right into his area. He's going to be going to my college. His mom wants me to spend weekends and holidays at their house. Andy and I are going to watch Rodney play football. He wants me to teach him how to skate, he's going to teach me to snowboard. We're going to be working for Habitat for Humanity and Rock for Life together. I think Andy stands a much better chance.

But why do I like them?

Kevin, I think because he has a bit of that bad boy appeal. He's totally punk, still, even though he's clean now. And i've known him like forever. And he's soooo hot, to get shallow about it. But he shares some of my past, he knows about a lot of the issues i've over come, and he's been there too, so I guess the common ground.

Andy on the other hand doesn't have a lot of that experience. He's never really rebelled much. He's been a Christian his whole life. But that isn't a BAD thing. He's an awesome person. I haven't known him nearly as long as Kevin though.

Well, we'll just see what happens. I'v emade a lot of important decisions about dating, in general.

While I am single, I am going to enjoy it. There is so much I can do solo. And I can get to know more people.

And when it comes to dating, I decided the secular way sucks. I am NOT playing dating games. I will eat as much in front of the guys as I would in private. I am not dieting just for a guy. Forget it. Even David was amamzed when I told him I like to eat. He said he has NEVER heard a girl say she likes to eat. For all the guys out there... I LIKE TO EAT, I HATE TO EXERCISE, I AM NOT BULIMIC, AND I'M NOT FAT EITHER. I mena, sure, i'm not tiny like some of those girls. But a lot of those girls are on unhealhty diets and working their butts off to look like that, and are going to pack on the pounds once they stop that. This is me. I am as you see. This IS as big as I get, and it's not that bad. I have a bit of a belly, whooopty do. I don't care, and noone else should either. I am HEALTHY.
And i'm not going to freak if guys see me without make up on or with my hair all messed up. Heck, how many times did Andy see me with bed head, bleary eyed, just woke up? (no, I did not sleep with him, diff. levels of the house my friends) And he still manages to think i'm pretty and like my hair. And I have short hair, you should see what bed head can do to it, lol.
No more games. I am who I am. I am never gonna fake it or hide it again. There's nothing to be ashamed of. I AM ok as I am.
Girly power trip, woooot! =)

so much action!

dizzy_doll_parts@yahoo.com — Sun, 12 Aug 2001 07:15:51 GMT

I am really kind of tired, and want to get to sleep... but I have sooo much on my mind! So, i'm going to write it all down, and hopefully i'll be a little less overwhelmed after that.

First of all, last night my sister, brother in law, and I went out to the Herferd house, which is this totally good steak house by us. Numms. Then we went to this nearby book store/cafe. I love books. I only looked in like one section and saw all these books I would love to have. When I finally get moved into my own place I'm going to have a little manda library.

So anyways, it was cool to get out, we also went and got ice cream at Baskin Robins. Another numm... Venezuelan ice cream is NOTHING compared to American. I'm getting a bunch of Ben and Jerries to stock up when I have a place of my own too...

Tomorrow i'm going to skip church because I really need to get all packed and ready to go. And besides, i've been to the church once, and i'm leaving Wednesday. Not like this church is all that special to me or like I know anyone there. I'll have lots of devo time tho...

So yeah, I leave Wednesday! Yay! My mom and dad will be here Tuesday. That will be cool. I'm starting to really luv my mum and dad. I'm going to see if they'll run me to do some last minute shopping. =)

Wednesday we'll prolly leave early in the morning, like we usually do. I'll find somehting to keep me up all night sdo I can sleep the whole way home. That's like 9-10 hours. Ick.

Thursday we're going to spend the whole day car shopping for me. My mum and dad are keeping their eyes open in the mean time, but you know... so hopefully we find something.

I asked Jess (my best friend) if she wants to come over that night. We're going to Great America, the amusement park, together the next day. More on that later. So i'm thinking she can come over, we'll make madd use of the pool, and then order a pizza, watch movies, and talk. It's been a long time since just the two of us hung out. Well, seeing as I was in another continent for a year and just got back, you know, makes that hard.

So Friday. I'm htinking Jess and I can go out to breakfast like we used to for our whole prayer/ accountability partner thing, and then head out to Great America.

THEN, at Great America, we're meeting up with Andy!!!!! Well, Andy, David, and Peter. But Andy! We're going to cruise around with them all day. Andy and David want to try to get on every roller coaster, and Andy wants to drag me along, so yeah, of course, i'm going to go with them for all that.

It's going to be so great to see Andy again. It's been over a month, I think. Yup. It will be just over a month since I last saw him. Or just under?? Whatever, the point is, it's been awhile. And it's funny to say that actually.

Andy and I met in Colorado at this youth leadership retreat last year. So we were there for a week. Then we IM'ed. Lost contact for months. Then next thing he knows his brother is telling him i'm coming to stay at their house for a week or so. Oh yeah, and as far as he knows, I don't know any of his other family. =) So I go up there, spend like a week and a half up there, meet his 2 brothers, sister and brother in law, grandma, uncle, best friend, brothers best friend, yada yada yada. In real life we'd probably spent the total of like 3 hours TOTAL together. That week we were pretty much inseperable. We'd stay up till like 7 in the AM talking, then he'd tuck me into bed and we'd talk a little more. So that was kind of weird to spend that much time with him when I hadn't spent much IRL time with him. And now, less than (or more than????) a month later, i'll be spending the day with him. And i'll hate saying good bye. =(. That's the bad news. Good news?

OK, well, that Sunday after spending all day Friday with Andy i'll go to my old church for the first time in over a year, help my parents explain the mission work we did at the church ministry fair, and then we're all off to Minnesota to look for either an apartment to rent or a townhouse to buy up there, right by Andy! So we'll probably get together during that time too! Yay! Andy over load lately. But I don't mind...

So yeah, right now i'm cruising the net trying to find places for us to look into. I am REALLY hoping this works out.

Like I said before, i've had my share of bad times. And lately I really feel like God is rewarding my efforts to move on from them. Life is looking REALLY good lately. He's blessing my socks off. =)

aww

dizzy_doll_parts@yahoo.com — Fri, 10 Aug 2001 19:25:06 GMT

I just got an email from Mary Ann. For those of you reading this who do't know, this is my best guy friends mom. It was so sweet.

Hi Amanda- you are so sweet! I just love you! I will pass your email on to
Brian and he will respond since he knows Maureen way better than I do. Hang
in there. You are wonderful.

Soo, Mary Ann and Brian, her husband, own four Christian counseling clinics throughout Minnesota. So they are setting me up with a counselor they think I will get along with. So I let them know i'm not good at talking and asked if the one they recommended was patient. That was the response from Mary Ann. I just love her.

My own mom is less than loving and just very... yeah. Mary Ann is like the opposite. She is so nice, fun loving, not tight on rules, she compliments people and just LOVES people. Plus she actually knows like girl stuff. Like make up, dressing nice, blah blah blah. So my moms opposite. And she is SOO nice to me. When I was up there she brought me this $30 dollar dress. She wanted to buy me more, but I didn't want to spend a bunch of her money, even if she has plenty.

It's just nice to know someone out there likes me and doesn't think i'm horrible. I just wish my own mother would pick up on a little bit of that.

to speak or not to speak

dizzy_doll_parts@yahoo.com — Fri, 10 Aug 2001 04:54:38 GMT

Those who know me know that i've been through ALOT. I could freaking write a biography and it'd sell like crazy because it's unbelievable how much one person can go through in 18 years.

And i'm not going to try to play super women and say it hasn't affected me because it has.

The people who really know me also know I hardly ever talk about these things. I keep them locked up inside. All those people who know this tell me I need to let it out.

And then I do, and they change their minds. It's too much for them to handle. They tell me it depresses them to hear about it and say they can't talk to me any more. Well jeez. Make up your freaking minds!!!

I mean, as much as it depresses them to hear about, think about how much more it depresses me to know this is my life, and I can never change that.

For some reason people think I am indistructable. Let me just tell you all flat out... I AM NOT. Yes, i've been through alot, I survived, and Jesus has given me amazing strength. But I still struggle sooooo much, you can't even know. While it sometimes takes me months just to take a step with this burden on my back, you are all jumping, prancing around, and will not take a bit of my load. It's too much. The way I see it, you want to be my friend,. don't BS with me. Be real. You all KNOW I would lay down in traffic for any of you, but you can't even listen for me. That's crap, and you know it.

But you know, that's ok. Jesus carries it all too, and he's never going to tell me to shut it. It will never be too much for him. So until I find someone strong enough to just listen to the things i've been through, Jesus will do. So go ahead, prance around covering your eyes like people never get hurt and bad things don't happen. But let me tell you something else. By doing that, you miss alot of good witnessing opportunities, and if that's what you all live for like you claim, then maybe you should uncover your eyes and do something to help.

There's my rant for the day, and I doubt anyone of my friends are actually going to see it, but I wanted to say it like they would so I had it out and wasn't holdiung in pent up frustrations.

gnight

an interview someone sent

dizzy_doll_parts@yahoo.com — Thu, 09 Aug 2001 18:28:42 GMT

1.)WHAT'S YOUR NAME?: Amanda
2.)HOW OLD ARE YOU?: 18
3.)SCREEN NAME(S) FOR AOL: lntotheson (the first letter is an L because someone already had Intotheson.
4.)DO YOU HAVE A BF/GF?: Nope
5.)WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND?: At the moment, either Jess or Andy
6.)WHAT GRADE ARE YOU IN?: College freshman
7.)HOW MANY PETS DO YOU HAVE?: 1 great dane, Gabe (Gabriel) and if my parents decide to give her back, a boxer, Grace
8.)WHAT DO YOU CARRY IN YOUR BACKPACK?: umm... books. pens and pencils, notebooks, random phone numbers, sbnacks, my bible, sometimes make up, a few CD's, and a small variety of other things.
9.)WHAT JOB DO YOU WANT WHEN YOU GET OLDER?: Doctor. I'm still deciding between trauma doctor and pediatrician
**Favorites**
10.)COLOR: excuse me for being so typical, but light pink and purple
11.)FOOD: I luuuuv home cooking
12.)SINGER: sonny from P.O.D. (I know him, he's for real), the dude from Third Day, and Alicia Keys
13.)GROUP: Third Day, Destiny's Child, Philmore (know them too) Five Iron Frenzy, Insyderz, Sum 41, and, of course, Rage against the machine.
14.)SONG: Dandelions, Story of Beauty, Crazy (ozzy)
15.)MOVIE: Empire records, ever after, the Green Mile
16.)ACTOR: Seth Green or Matthew Lillard
17.)ACTRESS: Drew Barrymore
18.)SPORT: soccer, but I want to learn to snowboard
19.)BOOK: the Bible
20.)RESTAURANT: Big Apple Bagle, and DOOLITTLES! (haha, Andy)
21.)NUMBER: 3 (my birthday is 3/3/833, when I went for my three year check up, I was three feet,m three inches, my mom was 33 when she had me, I was their third child... there's more, but i'll leave it at that)
22.)OUTFIT: my plaid pants with my red baseball style shirt
23.)STORE: zumiez or guitar center
24.)VACATION SPOT: Bon Aire, margarita, New Orleans
25.)FRAGRANCE: those cute little emotion perfumes are cool, I like adidas for chicks too, and yeah, cool water for guys, no doubt.
26.)HOLIDAY: Thanksgiving
27.)WEBSITE: Rock for life

When was the last time you:
29.)CRIED?: few days ago
30.)IMED SOMEONE?: Like, 10 minutes ago at most
31.)WERE IN LOVE?: I don't think I fully know what love is yet
32.)PRANK CALLED SOMEONE?: Hah! When I first moved to Venezuela and we called people and had them swearing at us in Spanish.
33.)WENT TO A MOVIE: about a month ago, I saw the Score with Molly and her husband and Joey (Andy's family)
34.)WENT SHOPPING?: Eh... about 2 weeks ago I went and brought some clothes.
35.)HAD A FLAT TIRE: lol!!! You guys remember when I blew out both of my right tires at one time and totally bent the rims? hah. That was a little over a year ago.
36.)BABY-SIT: I baby sit my niece and nephew every day during the summer, so, yeah, i'm babysitting right now.
37.)GOT SICK?: I still am kinda sick. Ewww.
38.)E-MAILED SOMEONE: last night

Do you prefer:
39.)BRITNEY OR CHRISTINA?: eh. Not my thing
40.)NSYNC OR BACKSTREET BOYS: same
42.)CATS OR DOGS?: They both have their good points
43.)WINTER OR SUMMER?: winter
44.)BLACK OR WHITE?: white
45.)BATH OR SHOWER?: After being in South American and there being NO baths, i'm all about baths.46.)IM OR EMAIL: IM

another casualty of society

dizzy_doll_parts@yahoo.com — Thu, 09 Aug 2001 05:16:06 GMT

Tonight... was awesome. lol. In my own sad little way. I decided to break out my hair stuff and make up and try some new stuff. And wow. I look gooooood. =) And I don't say that too easily.

Then I danced around and played guitar in front of the huge mirror in my room. Odd, yes. But it's fun. Good for the heart to be a dork some times. =)

frustrations

dizzy_doll_parts@yahoo.com — Wed, 08 Aug 2001 17:28:40 GMT

I can't wait for my whole time babysitting my sisters kids to be over. It's turned out to be so different from how they said it would be.

1) I'm expected to be cleaning the house, doing dishes, all their stuff as well as watching their kids, which was so bnot agreed to.

2) When the kids do somethign they shouldn't while their parents are home I am still the one who gets yelled at for it.

3) I cannot go anywhere or do anything. They knew I wouldn't have a car, they said they'd drive me when I wanted to go somewhere, but they never do.

4) My sister plays this whol overly concerned there for me sister, and then when I start to talk to her she never listens. She starts doing something else.

5) The kids get into all my things and ruin them and I don't even get a sorry.

I can't wait to get out of here. I have to clean all their crap and my room is a mess because I have no time to take care of MY things.

When I have my house it is going to be sooo clean, and I am going to be so territorial. There will be none of this trashing my things business.

I talked to my mom the other day and she noticed I was depressed and told my sister she wanted to get me a week early. My sister agreed to my mom and then told me "don't you dare".

So is it any wonder I feel like i'm being held hostage???

WHY can't he love me back??

dizzy_doll_parts@yahoo.com — Wed, 08 Aug 2001 04:54:01 GMT

lntotheson: I almost shaved my head today

Slopeman20: what?

lntotheson: ALMOST

lntotheson: here, let me explain...

Slopeman20: it better be good

lntotheson: when I get like REALLY down on
myself, and REALLY depressed, I have a tendency
to think I am just the ugliest thing,. and then I
shave my head and feel even uglier and cry

lntotheson: it's weird, but that used to be like the
ONLY tim eI could let things out

lntotheson: so when I couldn't take things any
more i'd shave my head and hate myself and yeah

lntotheson: not really GOOD, but you have to at
least get me interesting

lntotheson: *give

Slopeman20: never shave your head. i like your hair. but
you say you're depressed?
lntotheson: i'm getting help when I get up there

Slopeman20: it's about time. why have you been
depressed?

lntotheson: I don't know

lntotheson: you want a straight answer?

Slopeman20: yeah, that would be cool

lntotheson: I cut myself again, and she saw, and
she didn't buy me part time job as a lion trainer
story

Slopeman20: is something happening that i don't know
about?

lntotheson: 1) I have like no self esteem to begin
with

lntotheson: 2) I started thinking, real deep, and I
realized that i'm really sick of giving and giving
and giving to other people when noone ever gives
back. I am sooo sick of caring about people who
never care back, which is pretty much every body

Slopeman20: you know i care about you, right?

Slopeman20: i never knew you where that down.
did anything happen to you lately?

lntotheson: no

lntotheson: that's just kind of how I am

lntotheson: and it sucks, I know

Slopeman20: i need to send you my present

lntotheson: I don't know why, but I REALLY want
to be a rescue diver/coast guard kind of thing

Slopeman20: life guard?

Slopeman20: at my pool?
lntotheson: lol, any time

lntotheson: when you and the boys are getting a
little generous with the fuzzy navels and need
someone to make sure you don't drown

Slopeman20: you meen you won't enjoying the fuzz with
us?

lntotheson: someone needs to keep the boys in
line and be able to keep their head in case one of
you decides to spend an hour or two on the
bottom of the pool

Slopeman20: i guess you're right. but aren't fuzzy navels
good!?

Slopeman20: i talked to beth last week

lntotheson: really?

lntotheson: About what?

Slopeman20: you

Slopeman20: she has a crush on you

lntotheson: oh shut up

lntotheson: lol

Slopeman20: nah, i just said hi

lntotheson: yeah, that's more like it

Slopeman20: she sure is fat

lntotheson: jeez Andy, now there's orange juice all
over my keyboard

*sigh* a few hours spent talking to Andy. I <3 Andy... I just wish he felt the same. But hey, even though he doesn't and prolly never will, he's an awesome friend.

a little about me

dizzy_doll_parts@yahoo.com — Wed, 08 Aug 2001 03:05:01 GMT

my online psychological testing

Results:

Disorder Rating Information
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: High
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

So now that I wrote that, i'm going to write about myself really quick for anyone who might happen to read this.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I have had a kind of odd llife, with some pretty unusual things happening throughout it. My parents were very abusive, and so were alot of the people I ran across other than them (boyfriends, other family members).

Most of my problems come from very low self esteem/worth/image, and not being able to trust people very well at all. Being paranoid.

But, i'm away from all those people, and I'll be getting a fresh start in Minnesota very soon. When I get there i'm going to be getting cousneling, and hopefully that will help me to be a little more well adjusted. =)

~ first entry ~

dizzy_doll_parts@yahoo.com — Wed, 08 Aug 2001 00:39:45 GMT

I decided to start a journal. It will help me waste some of my way too abundany unoccupied time, and hopefully writing things out will be beneficial, in whatever way.

So yeah, that was my frist entry. I'm prolly going to be lookin for some people to add as buddies and talk to and stuff, so if i post in your journal, feel free to do the same to me.

That's all for night now.

Till next time...